You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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