i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
