I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
