I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
