I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
