Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
