can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
