Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
