I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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