She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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