I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
