ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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