Someone shit on the floor
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
