I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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