while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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