I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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