I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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