seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
