I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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