My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
