I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
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Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
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When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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