Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
