Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i will never coherently bang her
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
