He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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