my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
