There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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