Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
