My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
ttyl tear gas
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
