sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
