I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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