opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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