she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
