dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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