you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
