I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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