The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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