you're like a bully in the Christmas story
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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