you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
