i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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