He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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