We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
