I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
