She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
