I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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