So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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