so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
