OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
