I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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