new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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