I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You're completely useless in the revolution.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
