Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
