An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
