Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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