Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
