also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
