It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
