I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
