I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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