I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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